4 Little Ways to Make the Mental Shift to Confidence

Here on the internet, where EVERYONE seems to have it together, and you just know that you DON'T, it's really hard to be confident.  I mean, genuinely confident, not just faking it.  Let me level with you: I feel like I am ALWAYS faking it.  Always making the appearance that I've got it together, that I know what I'm doing, that I'm pretty, that I'm smart.  You know.

Add to that the fact that I'm a woman, and I chronically beat myself down, assume everything wrong is my fault, feel like a deadweight and a burden and a nuisance.

Add to that my depression, which tangles my mind up into a morass of knots composed of worry, sorrow, the belief that I'm going to lose everything.


I recently did a survey just to see who follows The Penslayer, why, and what I can do to improve.  Looking at those responses was nerve-wracking.  I was literally feeling sick to my stomach and shaking all over just opening up the results page on my computer.  It was that hard.  So before I even looked at the page, I turned to my notebook and wrote:

"it's just nervousness. nothing to be afraid of.  'not everyone will like you - most people don't even like themselves.' "

It didn't help much, but it helped a little.  It's true that I'm doing the best I can with The Penslayer, and always pursuing new avenues to improve.  It's not easy to ask for feedback, it's not easy to get it, but there is no rational reason to be afraid of it.  That's what I tell myself.

The downside of Pinterest.  |  While I do believe Pinterest is an excellent tool for discovering oneself, I also believe it is full of lies + contradictions. One half of Pinterest is all -

"be the boss girl!"
"be independent!"
"#*@!% what people think of you!"

and then the other half is all -

"it's okay to be imperfect!"
"nobody has it all together!"
"bed hair don't care!"

And I'M left thinking, what the HELL, PEOPLE.  CHOOSE ONE.  So basically I've come to do the RATIONAL thing and have thrown just about everything Pinterest says out the window over my shoulder with a grain of salt.  Because sometimes Pinterest is really good at giving you a shake to get yourself in order.  But also...not.


It's not always as flashy + fun + full of pretty pictures you can save.  It doesn't care about being fun.  It talks a lot about down-to-earth junk that's not even slightly flashy at all ever.  You have to conjure the pictures in your head.  Whaaaat.  Yes, it's old-school.  But it's so much better.  It's GOD'S WORD.

Struggling with depression, especially hormonal depression, is like trying to manually push a dead elephant up Mount Everest.  It's HARD.  You get filthy + tired-sick + the elephant usually ends up crushing you.  Personally, not only do I shove myself head-first into my own mental grave, I get impatient + angry with everything.  Fortunately, Pinterest was one of those things.

I got tired of how stupid and contradictory everything is.  How am I supposed to be a "boss girl" + "hustle" but also "imperfect" + "totally cool with that" at the same time?  I CAN'T.  So I burrowed into bed with my Bible.  It was a relief.  It was a comfort.  It didn't magically take away my hormonal problems, but the comfort of the soul was there.


Facing the prospect of looking at my survey results + swallowing the knowledge that I amount to literally nothing on the internet, I turned aside and wrote 4 things on my sheet of notebook paper:

it's hormones

your God cares

he knows you are dust

the Spirit of the living God who intercedes for you in the blood of Jesus Christ

EVERYTHING I FEEL MAY BE TRUE, but then there is my God.  Why/when/how would I ever find anything worthy enough in myself to cobble together and make something "boss girl" + "independent"?  I am a physically spiritual human being struggling with the effects of the fall in a body wracked by hormonal imbalances, trapped by the finite constraints of ignorance, and too turned about to see my own way out of the fog.

So to whom else would I go?  He has the words of eternal life.

image via pinterest

8 ripostes:

  1. That last Paragraph! Yes! It is so true, though I often forget it.(you think I would learn...) Especially, that last line! "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

    1. Part of being a fallen human is constantly dealing with the deeply-rooted sin of believing we are self-sufficient. That's something we all deal with, and the scriptures open up the truth so clearly. <3

  2. <3 this is a great post, Jenny :) thanks for sharing!
    I find it so encouraging to hear how other Christians are dealing with depression. I've been struggling with it pretty bad for the last 6 months (after I thought I'd had it beat for 2yrs) and I was at the point where it felt like no one understood what I was going through. So many people around me are like, "bah! Christian's can't be depressed! SPIRIT OF THE LORD & JOY! get your heart right!" :( etc. However, in the last two days I've now heard/read several accounts of Christians who have struggled and are struggling with depression, and their accounts of how they deal with it. It's a breath of fresh air knowing that I'm not alone in this and it IS possible to handle it in a healthy way.

    So thank you very much for sharing :) I know you've talked about on and off in the past, but this post in particularly struck a chord with me.

    1. I /have/ got that - not a lot - but I have got that "stay in the word, the Lord is your strength" kind of response to depression. WHICH ARE ALL TRUE THINGS. But I think they hurt so much to hear because they DON'T make the depression go away, and what we're really looking for is something to magically remove our depression. When in reality...

      ...we may just have to live through the darkness, and despite all, hold to Christ. We may very well never FEEL GOOD, but beyond all things, beyond love, happiness, sorrow, life, the grave, the judgment, there is our grasp on Jesus, and his on us, and that's all that will matter in the end. That's all I can say. <3

  3. I must be super non-Pinterest-savvy, because I thought all it was, was pictures of pretty things :) I hardly ever go there, because whenever I do I get sucked into thousands of pictures and I don't have time for that.

    But, that's not the point of my comment. This was a beautiful post in its simplicity. I've never been depressed, per se, though last year I did go through a time where I felt very depressed because of some things that happened in our family; before that I'd thought I had it all together, thought I was close to God, strong in my faith, and then this trial just came out of nowhere and BAM, it was like the rug was pulled out from under me. I was floundering, trying to grasp why this had happened. I could barely pray, couldn't read my Bible because nothing in it seemed like it was written for me. It was terrifying and heartbreaking, because I'd always thought that as a Christian I could face trials with courage and faith. Sometimes doubt has hit me so hard that I can hardly argue against it.
    Even now I'm still recovering. I've realized a few reasons at least why God let me go through this trial, but it's been very hard and ... well, posts like yours are exactly what I need. I need to be pointed back to Jesus. I need to remember that He is the only one to go to, that he is full of compassion and ready to help me.
    Aagh, I'm close to tears. Thank you.

  4. Honestly, I don't think God always shows us why he brings trials to us. The book of Job is basically that: is God not sovereign? are we not his, to do with as he wills? is he not himself wholly other than us? why should he be answerable to men? should we accept good from him, and not adversity?

    He never answered Job. He never told him why all those dreadful things happened. It was God's to allow, and man's place to praise. "Though he slay me, yet I will praise him."

    But the confidence is full-bloom in that book as well, in one of the most beautiful passages: "I know that my redeemer lives, and I will see him standing in the earth."

    There is often no earthly cure for pain and suffering, even for God's elect. There is often no answer WHY. For us. This makes the pain even harder to bear, because it looks as though no one, not even God, is going to help lift the weight. But then Jesus says, "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven; and blesses are they who mourn, /for they shall be comforted/." When and how, that is in God's hands. But he is a /good/ father, and delights to give good things to his children. "Do not fear, little flock, for it is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."


  5. Glory2God!! This is a genre Im totally familiar with, dear...

    If I'm the sower, we plant the Seed; if I'm an artist, we RITE the symphonies heard Upstairs ☆IF☆ you accept His lead withe orchestra...

    Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty??

    Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2 plus IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HeeHee Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl!) or ironclad iconoclasms?

    VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to [the] wise): As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I just wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong-politics, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in...

    "This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

    I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET!! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, low-hanging-fruit of the Celestial Paradise, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (aww! baby kitties, too!!) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires...

    "Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

    Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go gitt'm, girl. You're incredible. See you Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty #@!!☆ Abyss where Isis prowls
    PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

    Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptooh, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redding Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, -blessed b9... (or mixNmatch)

    God blessa youse
    -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

    1. Haven't HERD 'bout the WARNING? Again, the mainstream media won't touch it. Figures. Kontrol freeks.

      The Warning from Almighty God WILL happen - dunno when - yet, it WILL effect the whole, wide, world precisely because Almighty God DOES NOT wanna lose any one of us: we all sIn, capital I. God loves all of us. Dats da fak, Jak. Why did sHe make us if He didn't love us? If you DON'T wanna be a part of His wild-Kingdome, child, He aint gonna force you. Remember? Up or down? Only 2 realms after our demise? And 1 of em aint too cool?

      The Warning will be about 20ish minutes, showing a supremely ugly picture of Hell; Purgatory (a state of waiting for those who died in a state of grace - sorry, Protestants, now you know the Truth); Seventh-Heaven where, for all those who repent in the ••SIX WEEKS!•• will git a chance to reside in His eternally fruitfull, wild Kingdome where Im going.

      What'll happen to those who DON'T repent in the six weeks? Jesus will say to them, hopefully not you, at their Divine Judgement (paraF), "Haven't I given you everything? Even six weeks to repent? And how do you repay Me? By living far from Me. Away from Me, evildoers, into the fire prepared for the Devil and his angels!" TheEnd. Roll credits...

      Yes, dear, the Warning shall effect this sinfull mortal, too, for I'm not unlike you: I'm a sinner: born when John Travolta and Abba had their debut. See if cannot connect the dots <-to-> Seventh-Heaven.

      Love you, girl.
      Pray for me.
      I'll pray for you.
      Meet me Upstairs.